3.02.2004

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADDICT

A church basement, picnic chairs aligned neatly in rows, a table of phamplets, a podium with candles, and prayers from broken but hopeful individuals. It all reminded me so much of going to Christian Youth Groups back in the day but it was enitrely a different experience.

It was NA. Narcotics Anonymous.
Mostly Heroin and Crystal Meth addicts.
Mostly gay men.

My good friend was celebrating his 1 year birthday of being clean. He had asked me to be one of the few to present his cake to him because about a year ago, my words had helped him start his journey to recovery. As he stood up there, tearfully trying to express how incredible this past year has been for him, I was not only proud of him, but I was proud to be there, to have supported him, and to have believed in him. Claps erupted everywhere and hugs followed.

The latter part of the evening carried a different tone. In the dark, candle lit room, random voices spoke from their chairs.

"I dont know what to do. I dont know how to do it. I dont know how to get a job. I don't have a resume. I dont know what to say to people. I dont know how to ask for help. I dont know how to call a friend. I can't imagine my life being anything but this. I can't imagine my life being simple like everyone else. I only know how to use. I only know how much money I need to use again. I only know the drug."

It was such a cry for help. One that Im sure these walls have heard before. I wanted so much for people and answers to immediately rush to him with help but instead the moderator abruptedly ended the evening with "that's all the time we have for tonight. The opinions you have heard tonight are of the individuals and not of NA. If you need help, there is a list of meetings in the back that . . .

Thoughts raced through my mind...

Desperation - Detachment
Pain - A formatted routine
A cry for help - A group reading
A tear - A ceremony
Answers needed - Time's Up for tonight
Layers of issues - Books for sale
Chaos - A budget report
Solitude - Non profit organization

The dichotomy was unsettling but understandably needed. The pain is so present and will continue into tomorrow. The answers are not to be found in a night. That is the sad truth and thats okay... I realized that in all my own times of despair in the past, the one thing that really pulled me through was the will to just keeping moving, to wake up, to eat, to drive, to work, to plan for tomorrow, to pass the time, to eat again, to clean up, to sleep.

It's time and the ability to take one step after another is what gets you through it.

I encourage all of you to help that voice pass the time safely by being a comfort and a listening ear. Its not about saving that voice. Its just about being a hand to hold so that the voice can take that next step when he feels he can't.