I just got done makin a CD mix for 17 of my closest friends this Xmas. There is a song for each of them with the special dedication written in the liner notes.

Its been a while since Ive done something this creative. Funny - but when I was young, and closeted.. all I did was be creative but after coming out... I kinda left that creativity behind for the pursuit of sex, bright lights, fame, validation, games, alcohol, cute boys, so on and so on. (can you relate?)

But today I created for the sake of creating. I appreciated for the sake of appreciation. Im sharing for the sake of sharing and its kept me smilin all evening imagining the reaction on my friends as each of them discovers his/her song.

There is one sad note in all this gayiety - (and leave it to me to always find the dark side) One person who I would have very much liked to have included in the list was deliberately left out. Sometimes you just cant give any more.... you just can't. I love him and miss him and that already is too much.

"Its sad when you know its your heart you can't trust..."



In wishing my mother a happy thanksgiving the other day, she tearfully called me an "angel." She said that Ive never been like others and now that Ive come out, I never will be so... therefore she has come to believe that I am an angel sent from God.

Angel I know I'm not. Thats for sure.

but if a woman who is deeply religious, traditionally old fashion and completely ignorant of the gay movement ... can see her gay son as an angel... then maybe the hopeless political wars between religious rights and the gay rights may not be so hopeless after all.

Be the change. Hope the hopes. Love.


Happy Pre T Day

This past weekend we played a mean game of fag football. It was hilarious to have 8 gay men playing an athletic sport. Actually tho it got quite aggressive. I was yelling at Cuong and Darren was yelling at me and Matt Lum was growling at the quarterback- but on his own team. I did end up screaming a lot because people could not get the idea of ...Shotgun/Hike ! As soon as the QB said shotgun.. people were already running around, crossing over boundaries and crying timeout for an injured scrapped hand. It didnt help that the QB would throw the ball as well.. ALL BEFORE HIKE !

At one point, I was to get the handoff so I asked Darren to block Preston who was covering me. As soon as the QB yelled hike, Preston was all over me.
I was like "Darren.. dude? I need you to block Preston !"
Darren was all "I did.. but he went around me."
So in the huddle I was like "lets do that play again".. and AGAIN as soon as I got the ball.. Preston was all over me.
I was like.. "Darren dude.. Preston?"
So I back in the huddle, I still wanted to try that play one more time and Darren goes "Matt, lets do another play.. that handoff strategy doesnt seem to work well."

This Thanksgiving, Im thankful for friends who see the good and the bad in me and still remain present!



I have no idea what to do now.

Not because I have nothing to say.. but because I have too much to say - too much to express, too much to bitch about, too much to suggest, too much to plead, too much to ponder.

Im sure I'll spend the first few weeks editing, re-editing and censoring everything I post on here.. writing poetry, long essays, political rants... posting pictures, links, and movie reviews... and after a while Im sure I'll just start gettin lazy and write "will write more later" or "busy with work" or something lame and uninteresting like "I saw Ben Affleck today, he looked tired" hoping that by being concise, I would come off instead as being profound. Eventually there will be month long gaps and each post will be more and more mundane and unoriginal. Then I will eventually just stop because after all this is a free service. In fact, I should just stop now and save myself the trouble. And what if while wasting on this time on this blog experience, no one even ends up reading any of it. Whats the damn point then? I should just stop. Who do I think I am? that people would want to hear what I have to say - and thats assuming I have ANYTHING good to say at all? Fuck this. The End.

My name is Matt and Im neurotic sometimes.