Wow! What a fuckin brillantly told movie.

What if you had the chance..

1. TO ERASE the memories and heartaches caused by paths once taken
2. TO TURN AWAY from taking a path that you know will eventually bring heartaches

It made me think about how natural it is to let the fears of "what if" cripple us from opening up our wounded hearts again. What if he cheats? What if he abandons me like the other one? What if his loud ways doesnt click with my quiet ways? What if we end up resenting what we first found compelling in each other? what if it ends bad? what if? what if?

The film challenges us to love anyway and to say - Lets hurt... lets laugh and fight and cry. Lets share, lets play, lets break up and then lets get back together again... isn't life all the more richer having done all that... then to not have chased anything at all... or even worse, to ERASE the chases in the past that brought such intense joy and pain?

I am encouraged to let go of trying to regulate the joys and minimize the pain and instead, learning to embrace them all as a part of the journey.

So cheesy but so true !



So we had game night last week over Sam's place. He is always the most gracious host and is always making sure our glasses are not empty. Anyway, someone had unexpectedly invited a random girl over which kinda - threw us boys off a bit !

"I know. When she walked in, I was so confused. It's like what do you say to a girl... Hello, Hi.. Um.. Can I get you a.. tampon?" - Sam

He also said something else funny but I guess....



So if I really really relax my mind and my head... or if I am laying in bed trying to go to sleep and focusing inward into myself... or sometimes if I stretch out my neck by doing a neck twirl.... or if Im concentrating on using my psychic powers....

I hear this kind of oozing noise in my ears as if my head is being filled with fluids from the inside... similar to the noise you hear when you are yawning.. that deafening, drowning out the world kind of noise..

What is that? Can you do it? Try it now.

I can only make it last for about 2 seconds at a time. Its almost like my subconscience won't let me stay in that hypnotic state for longer than that. Maybe my mind would drown if I were to stay longer than 2 seconds.

Does anyone know what Im talkin about?

Oh... and why is Ed Harris always showing up in my room talking conspiracy nonsense?



So I finally made my way through all 4 seasons of the Sopranos for the first time. Being a huge fan of HBO already, I thought it was finally time for me to check out this much-hyped show, and after 4 months of spending late nights watching an hour here and 2 hours there, I have to say...

My favorite No 1. TV show of all time is STILL - Six Feet Under

No 2... Sex and the City

and then coming in 3rd... Little House on the Prairie

You do as your ma says, half pint...



I am determined to use my day on the job productively!

1. Work on script - Email Gay Mafia for advice
2. Check in on Mom, Dad, and Grandpa with free LD
3. 50 leg lifts in my chair and use stairs when possible
4. Call Honda - Schedule service with hispanic lady
5. Buy overpriced wedding gift at CrateandBarrel.com
6. Update blog with shout out to Sam and cool picture
7. Choose a new background for my computer
8. Pay Banana Republic bill - Dispute last month's late fee
9. Determine 5 DVDs to buy with my Xmas gift certificate
10. Call TAX guy - Ask how well he can deduct random things




Steve thinks I should try to write a happy poem for a change.


Orange plush - bubble nose
You make me smile - I suppose
Sitting there - next to my screen
You paint my day - so it seems
But more than just - a cute stuffed toy
Its from a guy - that I adore
This poem sucks - and makes me gag
I sound so gay - just like a fag.



Remember how when you were in high school, the one thing that you didnt really want to matter but DID was how POPULAR you were.. and how POPULAR your lunch table was... and where you ranked in the POPULARITY charts... and how many POPULAR people signed your yearbook.

Then remember how once you got to college, none of that was a concern. It was just about having a solid group of friends, doing your own thing, testing your limits, and just having fun in between classes.

Then remember how once you entered adulthood, all the supporting scaffolds of identity came crashing down and you were left with just your bare self and your own future. You suddenly realized that your past did not matter as much as you had thought and therefore you did not have to be shy anymore. You did not have to always come in fourth place. You did not have to always say "yes." And with a smirk, you realized that your self worth was within yourself all along.

Sigh~ That is one of life's sweetest and most gracious gifts and its given to all the once-upon-a-times: the nerd, the school jock, the artsy fartsy, the homecoming queen, the wimp, and the nobody.


cause for some reason that bullshit that I thought was buried in the past has now worked its way back into my life and I find myself in a world where dividing lines separate the IN crowd, the HOT crowd, the CONNECTED crowd from everyone else.. Those lines are so apparent to me that I can't help but want to be a part of it, to be included in it, to associate with, to party with, and to have those names in my cell phone. Today I was lookin at a website of a certain individual who chose to share all the fun picts of him and his beautiful friends and all the beautiful things they did together and how fuckin beautiful his life was. Hey I admit it. It made me feel less that I should and wanting something that I need not.

Its sad. Its a sad pathetic regression I tell ya.

My mid 20s were such a time of liberation and freedom but now I find myself being that awkward high school kid once again, seeking validation from others (hello.. a blog?) Im back on the outside lookin in on the "greener" action which I know to be just as green as the grass on my side.

I think it has to do with being in the GAY COMMUNITY, especially in LA where there is an oversaturation of muscle boys, hollywood hill parties, racism, and pretentious attitudes. (oh and if you host those hill parties, dont forget to send me an evite !)

I think it also has to do with workin the ENTERTAINMENT industry which is fueled on power breakfasts and who-do-you-know cocktails. (oh and if you work in the biz, leave your number in the comment section and I'll call ya)

Maybe its just me. Maybe Im just shallow but have no right to be.

Anyway, I can analyze, you can judge, and then we all fall down...

but for me, it just seems that life giveth and it took it back.



Here are 4 of my favorite actors that are not only HOT but they also give incredible performances as well...

1. Peter Krause - the one that makes me want to do some soul searching with

2. Steve Zahn - the one that makes me want to stay up all night and laugh with

3.Ewan McGregor - the one that makes me proud to be an underdog with

4. Ed Harris - the one that makes me want to be a better man with

Am I missing anyone?




A church basement, picnic chairs aligned neatly in rows, a table of phamplets, a podium with candles, and prayers from broken but hopeful individuals. It all reminded me so much of going to Christian Youth Groups back in the day but it was enitrely a different experience.

It was NA. Narcotics Anonymous.
Mostly Heroin and Crystal Meth addicts.
Mostly gay men.

My good friend was celebrating his 1 year birthday of being clean. He had asked me to be one of the few to present his cake to him because about a year ago, my words had helped him start his journey to recovery. As he stood up there, tearfully trying to express how incredible this past year has been for him, I was not only proud of him, but I was proud to be there, to have supported him, and to have believed in him. Claps erupted everywhere and hugs followed.

The latter part of the evening carried a different tone. In the dark, candle lit room, random voices spoke from their chairs.

"I dont know what to do. I dont know how to do it. I dont know how to get a job. I don't have a resume. I dont know what to say to people. I dont know how to ask for help. I dont know how to call a friend. I can't imagine my life being anything but this. I can't imagine my life being simple like everyone else. I only know how to use. I only know how much money I need to use again. I only know the drug."

It was such a cry for help. One that Im sure these walls have heard before. I wanted so much for people and answers to immediately rush to him with help but instead the moderator abruptedly ended the evening with "that's all the time we have for tonight. The opinions you have heard tonight are of the individuals and not of NA. If you need help, there is a list of meetings in the back that . . .

Thoughts raced through my mind...

Desperation - Detachment
Pain - A formatted routine
A cry for help - A group reading
A tear - A ceremony
Answers needed - Time's Up for tonight
Layers of issues - Books for sale
Chaos - A budget report
Solitude - Non profit organization

The dichotomy was unsettling but understandably needed. The pain is so present and will continue into tomorrow. The answers are not to be found in a night. That is the sad truth and thats okay... I realized that in all my own times of despair in the past, the one thing that really pulled me through was the will to just keeping moving, to wake up, to eat, to drive, to work, to plan for tomorrow, to pass the time, to eat again, to clean up, to sleep.

It's time and the ability to take one step after another is what gets you through it.

I encourage all of you to help that voice pass the time safely by being a comfort and a listening ear. Its not about saving that voice. Its just about being a hand to hold so that the voice can take that next step when he feels he can't.