WOULD YOU COME OUT TO FIND ME?

THE IRONY

When I was young
Everything seemed so simple
But I always knew

It was all much more complicated

All my life
I sorted efficiently
I educated passionately
I pondered meticulously
I calculated through
I wrestled proudly
I discerned bitterly
I mourned deeply
I chose with soul

Now, I am older... wiser... and tired
After sifting through the complications
Funny I find myself wanting
Only simple things

Funny I find truth

In only simple things

EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT

Thank you God. March 13 at the Wiltern. I'm seeing her live.


After I saw this clip, a part of me died. A cynical part.


What song is playin at the start of this clip?


My buddy thought the FEMBOTS originated from Austin Powers. Sad.

THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

I love lists
I love making lists
I love playing games involving lists
I love beating people in games that involve lists
Bruce Willis movies
Top 10 things bought at Staples
Academy-award winning actresses
Favorite songs of 06
Errands I need to do before Tuesday
I'm really good at crossing things off a list
I love listings
I love bullet points
* I love small damp dots
- I love a good passive agressive dash
~ I love this too
I forget what that's called
I like the writing part of making lists
I love using felt-tip pens
I love sharpies more
They smell good
I love numbers
1. when they work out
2. when they reconcile
3. when they bring order to a list
I count things
Sometimes patterns emerge
I love that
I also love notepads
I love buckslips
I love graph paper
All good for making lists
You know what scotch tape is good for?
Taping your lists up on the wall
It's really good for that
.
.
.
Sometimes it can be a horrific mess out there
Profoundly horrific

IN AMERICA...

After two years of utter confusion in America, I finally had a strong grasp of the language at 3rd grade. Soon, I was being pushed in all my subjects from the low levels to advance levels. Then, confirming everyone's suspicions, I was tested and found to be GIFTED which then qualified me to join the PREP program. And so for a few hours a day, a few of us were pulled out of class by the special ed teacher to do interesting projects that involved creativity, imagination, intelligence, and the Apple IIe.

I LOVED LOVED that I had been discovered for all to recognize and I LOVED LOVED Mrs. Mitchiner and I LOVED LOVED that she had saved me and I began to LOVE LOVE myself.

LOVE LOVE until one day during PREP, I learned something that perhaps I learned a little too soon.

The five of us (Not everyone can be gifted, ya know) were working through a workbook of LOGO programs on the Apple IIe. I found myself whizzing through them while others seemed to have trouble. Mrs. Mitchiner was occupied with someone else when I threw up my hands proudly and began to yell "Mrs. Mitchiner! Mrs. Mrs. Mitchiner! I'm done! What now? I'm done now! Mrs. Mitchineeer! What should I do now! Mrs. Mrs. Mitchiner!"

I must have peaked her boiling point because all of a sudden, she turned to me and yelled "I can't help you right now because right now I'm working with Jessica. And you know what? I would probably be done quicker if you were not distracting me by your whining."

I - WAS - SO - DEVASTATED.

I literally wanted the school to blow up in that second so that what just had occured would be forever buried under a mound of broken beige computer parts.

It was a tough lesson to learn but I realized that day that in America, being smart did not TRUMP all things and that you had to be MORE.... and that being found GIFTED was not the golden ticket that I had been led to believe.

Damn Asian parents and their willy wonka notions!

ARE YOU STILL ASKING?

My friend Jin Ah was telling me that her already fashionable daughter was worried sick that Santa would bring her the wrong color shoes with all the wrong charms attached to it.

“Don’t worry, he will know,” said the tired mom.

“But HOW? HOW will he know?” the daughter insisted.

“Fine, do you want me to call him to make sure.”

“You mean YOU have his number!?!?”

It’s so cute how kids believe without a shadow of a doubt in such things. How I envy their innocence. I never believed in Santa Claus. I’ve always known it was just a hoax to get kids to behave. Tho once I did put my tooth in a sealed envelope under my pillow - just as a test, of course. You can’t imagine just how unbelievably dumbfounded I was the next day when I unsealed the envelope to find a shiny dollar coin instead.

A tooth fairy?? For realz??

My whole world shook apart as my mind raced with crazy and daring thoughts that maybe there was indeed some magic left in this world. But within that same minute, I also consider that perhaps my mom replaced the tooth in the middle of night with the coin in a newly sealed envelope - tho that was so not like her to go through all that, I thought.

So the next time I lost my tooth, I tested my theory by tucking away my tooth under my pillow - but this time, I did not tell my mother… or father… or sister.

Of course, it was that next morning that finally killed off any remaining traces in me of whatever it is in kids that encourages them to ask, “But HOW? HOW WILL HE KNOW?”

I THINK I'M BORED

and because I think, I am.

MOTHER

Being worn out from the day, I fell asleep by 8:30pm, while screening a work-related DVD on my computer, and with my desk lamp on and bedroom door wide-open exposing my fully lit closing scene - Me in bed, cuddled with my blankets, still in my work clothes, exhausted. At one point, perhaps around 11ish, I woke up briefly and thought to myself, I should get up, turn things off, wash up and get undressed but instead I drifted right back to my dream...



... I was jumping from roofhouse tops to roofhouse tops (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon indeed) trying to find my way back home. I say trying because it was quite dark and I wasn't quite used to the bird's eye view yet so my path was unsure. Still, with no time to loose, I swiftly moved forward - with the belief that your destination unfolds itself when moving about rather than standing still. With loose debree crashing to the ground and dogs barking in the night, I finally made my way back to my room. Sensing that I might have an audience still, I immediately jumped into bed, not wanting anyone to notice just how hard I've tried in getting there. But at the same time, since I didn't want people to NOT notice me, I deliberately left the lights on. As I waited and waited for someone to visit, I began getting frustrated at my dilemma. How do I let people know that I'm home without announcing it like the needy kid that I am.

Just then, I heard someone approach. I turned over. It was my mother... and as she has said many times before in my youth, she sternly but compassionately ordered, "Go to sleep. It's late. I'm gonna turn off your lights and your computer for you."

With that I woke up to see that indeed, my computer was still running, my lights still on, and it was now 1:30am. Half expecting my mother as well, I was dissappointed to realize that she was back home on the east coast and nowhere near to urge me to get proper rest.

And so I'm up now... wondering about my next move.

For life unfolds when you are moving about, not when standing still.

SHHH...

It's quiet tonight
6 gel pens out of ink in the trash
Chinese food microwaved at 2 am
Itunes set to sleepy
A 60 watt bulb unabashedly lights
The once minor imperfections on the wall
My calendar stalled at March
My guitar out of tune
And my cell phone -
Still hurting from its last conversation

Its too quiet tonight
And I can't hear anything but the music
Nothing competes for my attention
Except the sublime beats that cry
"It can't come quickly enough"
It hasn't been this quiet since-
Well, since then

I can't stand the quiet
It always seems

If I close my eyes
I know tomorrow will come
But something tells me if hold out
If I'm patient and wise
If I listen to the lonely peace
I'll learn the lesson I was supposed to learn then

.
.
.
.

Nothing
Nothing
Nothing but the maddening quiet

I think I'll go to sleep now

After all
Isn't that what we are left to do
When its too quiet

HAPPY T DAY

So the 1-yr anniversary of thatmattdude has arrived and with that I'm afraid its time for me to say my goodbyes.

It has been such an incredible journey on my end. If I pause to be honest with myself, I think somehow blogging filled that void of wanting to be interesting, wanting to be liked, wanting to be noticed, wanting to be bookmarked =) I think we all share that same hunger for validation in some form or another... and connecting with random people thru this medium for me, has been profoundly satisfying and healing. Looking back, I can see myself a year ago and clearly recognize the need back then to put myself out there. I was lost and I thought I needed to be heard before I could be found.

Guess what? I'm still lost! but these days, its a bit different. Actually its a lot different. As the new year approaches right around the corner, and my days as a twentysomething come to an end, I think its time for me to... to... oh I don't know... to embrace my life rather than to dissect it - or something like that.

Who knows... someday I may revisit blogging, but surely then, it be in a different form because for then it will be for different reasons.

I promise you this tho, you haven't seen the end of thatmattdude. I will always continue to contribute, share, write, debate, and amuse the world around me. After all, I'm one hell of a guy and it'd be a waste not to. =)



Final thoughts?

I'm thankful. I think I really am.

ALSO! catch me in the new Instinct and Advocate issue AND look for me here!

Yes, sometimes I'm shameless- but com'n, when it comes to blogging... aren't we all.

NEW COSMO DRINK

1 early morning
1/2 part creamer
3 parts black coffee
10 cups in the dishwasher
1 martini glass

I feel so ghetto.

MAKES SENSE TO ME

Lately I've been sleeping with my contact lenses on. They are HARD LENSES so I know that can be dangerous. I've heard the stories where the lense goes back into your head during R.E.M. sleep.

Although this worries me at first, I can't help but to think that if I did end up having a piece of plastic surgically removed from my eye in the emergency room... wouldn't it be the perfect excuse to get LASIK while I'm at it and demand my insurance to cover it?

GAY DAY

Yesterday was my last day at the "Desperate" and "Lost" network.
Last night I had dreams of being in leather at a wedding in which my former pastor disappovingly noted "You look very handsome."
Today, I'm all gel'd up, ready to start my new gay job.
My attire for my first day at work??? My black Kenneth Cole "ass-huggin" pants.

Feels like life is making some kind of joke there cause I'm just grinning ear to ear this morning!

TAKE YOUR MAMA

It's been a while, I know. Lots of crazy things going on in my life right now. Most good, some bad. I admit I am drawn to slippery slopes, amusing myself with the indulgent fall, but I always know when to stand alone.

So the only thing I want to do right now is to put something out there that is honest and unaffected. I want to remind myself of who I am and list the things that make me - only me.

It is the only certainty I know and for now, perhaps the best thing I can contribute to such a hazy time of conformity, political corruption, packaged beauty, and clones complimenting clones.

For me,
It is about
Tornadoes.
Art around tornadoes.
Dreams about tornadoes.
Dreams about flying and games.
I always fly and its always some game.
Little House on the Prairie,
The theme song especially,
And Laura Ingalls.
My Amy Grant cassettes.
Legos and Battle beasts.
Nightmares about Fembots.
Freddy Krueger, for being deliciously evil.
Reading the Bible,
Particularly, the book of Revelation.
Sneaking thru the pink aisle at Kmart.
Wonder Woman and her CBS and ABC costume.
Jose Canseco and his firm ass.
Nips and tongue in the ear.
Mariah Carey,
She's a stupid bitch and I love her.
Two years as a Middle School Teacher
Were the two best years of my life.
I hate how my voice, mumbles.
I love multi-tasking and lists
I hate that my cheeks are high.
I love that people find me attractive.
I hate that I'm fooling them.
I still think I'm psychic.
Evil Genius some may say.
I can fuck up spaghetti at times.
I hate that I miss Jim "Black Fly"
Love lost but not forgotten.
Ann and Jin Ah,
My girls.
Ho.
Ho Gull.
Mr. Chun.
Mr. 138.
Scott.
Matt.
Matty.
It's all about my mom,
My dad and my sister.
My dead grandmother.
The real me.
I want to hold on to the real me.

How about you?

PERMISSION TO DANCE

It was a rare moment for me.

For the 1st time since I've moved in, I laid out by the pool this weekend. 5 mins into my leisure, I found myself in a rare moment - completely aware and attuned to the silent dialogue of the moment. There, under the blazing sun and the competing slight breeze, my ipod sang a delightful tune and my bare feet danced out in the air in front of me. I, and the world, no longer existed. There was only the sunlit stage directly above my crotch and the two bad dancers on it. Both naked and calloused, they half heartedly attempted to stay in beat but settled for just having the time of their lives.

I smiled and thought...

I am allowed to rest.
I am allowed to be wrong.
I am allowed to not be chosen.
I am allowed to be blatantly rejected.
I am allowed to fail miserably.
I am allowed to be lost.
I am allowed to give up.
I am allowed to call in sick.
I am allowed to indulge myself.
I am allowed to be sensitive and hurt.
I am allowed to be insanely jealous.
I am allowed to ask for a refund.
I am allowed to admit I'm lonely.
I am allowed to not know.
I am allowed to stutter.
I am allowed to be amused by my own two feet.